Ready for sex after three years

Dear Pastor,

I am a 35-year-old single woman. I lost my husband in an accident three years ago. I have not been with a man since.

We have two sons. I really miss my husband. He was a wonderful husband and a great father. When he died, I felt that I could be put in the grave with him. But I kept telling myself "I have to be strong for my children." My husband came from a middle class family and they have been very good to me and the boys. When we were getting married, my husband's parents gave us $1.5million to help purchase a house. We got a mortgage to buy the house. My husband's parents are still assisting me.

I feel I am now ready for another relationship. My husband's parents, especially his father, have been telling me that if I see somebody that I like, and I believe that he is a good man, I should marry him. But I should try to avoid marrying a man who has many children. So I have started dating. The first man I dated wanted to come to my house to sleep over. I told him I was not into that, so he asked "Well where will we have sex?" I told him that I did not know that by agreeing to go out with him, it meant that we should end the date by going to bed. He said "Well my husband has been dead for a few years, so I must be thirsty for sex." I told him to take me to my gate. When I got there, I got out of his car and told him I would never go out with him again. The second guy I dated had more class, but he was also looking for sex. I told him I was not ready for that. He was 40 and has four children with two different mothers. I asked him why he hasn't married either of the babymothers and he said they were not wife material. He tried to impress me by ordering the most expensive item on the menu.

Now this is other man and I have gone out many times. He is a real gentleman. He has never asked me for sex, but he asked if I don't feel for company sometimes. I told him yes, but I admitted I am very nervous and I don't know who to trust. He said I could trust him. The only problem is that he is two years younger than I am. But he is educated and very kind. I try to compare him with my former husband. I told the children's grandparents about him and they know his parents; it is such a small world.

I told this man that I am comparing him with my former husband and he told me that he knows that he cannot be compared. I promised to give him something nice for Christmas. He said he wonders what that would be. Please, Pastor, don't think that I am rude, but I think it is time for me to test him in bed. What can be nicer than giving him a little sex? I don't know if it is the right thing to do, but I would like to know whether this man is truly a man.

I told one of my girlfriends that this man and I have never had sex and she laughed and said "Make sure the cock can crow." I want your advice.

V.C.

Dear V.C.,

I regret to hear that your husband was killed in a collision. However his parents have stood with you.

They have been good grandparents to the children. The $1.5 million was a great amount of money from his parents for a wedding gift and it was put to proper use. I could understand that you feel the need for companionship occasionally. Believe me, it is not surprising to know that some of these guys have been watching you. It seems to me that they know that you are an independent woman. What they didn't know is that you wouldn't stand for foolishness. Some men are foolish; they believe that every woman will go with a man because he says he is a man. An intelligent woman sets criteria and knows what she is looking for. But let me not talk about these two idiots you told to get lost.

You are now dating a man who you seem to love. He has been playing his cards very well. He is not rushing you. But now you feel so comfortable with him that you want to give him something nice for Christmas. He is going to be looking forward to that. However, be very careful about what you do. Don't listen to your girlfriend who told you that you have to try the man to see if he is really a man. You are a grown woman. However, I cannot sanction sex out of marriage. Suppose you have sex with this man and after doing so, he leaves you? How would you feel?

The decision is strictly yours. I wish you the very best.

Pastor