Pastor thinks my girlfriend is too old for me

January 21, 2021

Dear Pastor,

I am 23. I started to have sex when I was only 15. My mother was 18 when she had me. She did not know who got her pregnant because she was promiscuous.

She was having sex to survive because she was from a very poor family. Her mother was a hustler, and her father was a worthless man. She said some of the men who had sex with her used protection, but some didn't.

I found out who my father was when I was about 10, but he was a much older man than my mother and he was married. He did not accept me as his son. But one day his sister called, and she examined me. She looked at my hands, feet, ears and she turned to the man who was with her and said 'yes, this is so and so pickney for true'. She told me that if I needed anything, I could contact her. But they did not want my father's identity to be known because of his status in the community.

I went to school, but not regularly. I was living in the 'ghetto' and having sex with different girls is the norm, but then I went to a certain meeting and my life was changed. I learned a trade.

I have a girlfriend now. She is twice my age and I would like to marry her. She asked me a question I did not like. She has had abortions. She wants us to have children and she cannot understand how I do not have children and I was such a bad boy. I told my pastor that I would like to get married but he said that she is too old for me. She attends the church sometimes but that is because of me. She is living alone and so I spend most Sundays with her and every time I go there after church, we cook together and eat together, and we have sex. I have to say 'she sex me' because every time we have sex, she says she can't wait for us to get married. But I cannot tell her that my pastor says she is too old for me. She is 35. Pastor, I would like to know what to do.


Dear A.L.,

Stop talking nonsense about this woman sexing you. You visit her house and both of you spend the evening together. You cook and you have sexual intercourse. If you didn't want to have sex with this woman who is your senior, you could say no, but you don't generally say no because you like it. Don't put the blame on this woman.

You have had a rough upbringing. I would really like to hear more of your mother. Are you able to help her now? I hope that you would give your mother as much support as you are able. There are certain things I cannot publish from what you have said but I am going to say this much. I am glad that you have found a woman. True, she is much older than you, but if you really love her and she loves you, your pastor should not encourage you to leave her for a younger woman. A younger woman might not treat you as well as this woman. So, work hard, and if you love this woman, marry her.

Don't allow her past to bother you because she cannot change her past. Both of you should go for counselling and then plan to have a small wedding, and by that I mean with two witnesses.

Young man, try your best to get a skill so you will not be bouncing to support yourself and your family. I wish you well. If I can be of further help to you, contact me.


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