I cheated on him with his friend

July 24, 2020

Dear Pastor,

I have had this problem for many years. When I was 23 years old, I met and fell in love with a man. He has one major problem, and that is jealousy.

Anywhere we went, if a man greeted me, he wanted to know who that man was and why did he have to disrespect him by calling me. I used to tell him to stop being jealous.

I was very good to this man and it was only after he kept accusing me of cheating on him that I decided to cheat. And the person I cheated with was his friend, because he used to discuss me with his friend and I felt safer to cheat with that man.

We have two children together, one boy and one girl. My daughter always loved her father but it took a long time for my son to love his father because he was abusive.

One time, my husband beat me on my vagina so that I could hardly walk. I got the chance to go abroad but I did not divorce him. I am now 45 years old and still married to this man because I took my oath of marriage seriously.

It was for better or worse, for richer or poorer. My husband came to the US and has tried to make up with me. He asked me if I hated him and I told him no, but that does not mean that I love him.

He said he'll do anything to get me back. He asked me if I had a man and I told him yes. Imagine him wanting to know who the man is. Pastor, the man I went with was his friend but to this day he does not know that.

He admitted that he has girlfriends but he would drop everybody if we get back together. I told him that I am not the same humble girl he met and married.

I told him I would kill him if he puts his hand on me again. I was surprised when my son told me that I should forgive him and my daughter said that we should make plans to have a renewal of vows.

I am nervous, but as I said, I have not divorced him. I just want to know how you feel about us getting back together.


Dear J.L.,

You said that you never divorced this man although he was very cruel; you were true to your vows "until death do us part". But you did not keep the whole vow because you were unfaithful to your husband, because your marriage vow says that you should be faithful to your spouse until death.

But I am not here to condemn you, I just want to point out that you should not take part of the vow that suits you.

However, if you know that you would like to be reconciled to this man, a renewal of vows might be appropriate. But you have to be sure that both of you can live in harmony and have respect for each other and be true to each other.

Your children would play a big role in bringing the two of you back together.

He has admitted that he has girlfriends but he does not know that you cheated on him with his male friend. Both of you would, therefore, need a series of counselling sessions.

You have one major hurdle to overcome because you said earlier that you did not hate him but that does not mean that you love him.

So how are you going to be reconciled with a man you do not love? No one should force oneself to love another. Think about that and write me again.


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